Hello, I need some advice about my two children, 16 and 14 years of age. Ever since we have moved to Germany last year, my children have transformed into withdrawn, negative children who blame me for taking them away from their friends back home. They do not listen to me, they do not co-operate, they lock themselves in their rooms and they tell me that they hate their new lives. Far from my image of them becoming global citizens with a love of adventure, they cannot seem to see any positives about our move abroad and only want us to send them back home – with or without us. I am worried that this has gone on for too long and I am not sure what to do about it.

KJ

New ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear KJ

For teenagers, moving countries can be tough: even tougher than it is for us adults.  Teenagers do not exactly have a reputation for displaying the ultimate in flexibility. They have built their lives around their friends and readily become accustomed to the life they feel they have built. When something intrusive like moving blows their world apart, they often do not respond with a great deal of enthusiasm.

When the news of moving far away blows a teenager’s world apart, there are several different ways that a parent can choose to handle the crisis. And yes, to them, it is a crisis. We can minimize their feelings, and tell them to stop being so dramatic. We can allow them to play our guilt strings and manipulate their way into having everything they want. We can realize we are teaching them valuable life lessons in the process of moving, allow them to express their feelings, and help them to understand that there are new opportunities waiting for them.

Until teenagers have a chance to build a new support system, you’re it. Bring them as close as you can to the realization that having friends both near and far is special, show them the new opportunities which are undoubtedly awaiting, and respect the way they feel, even if feelings change by the hour. Try to make a big effort to separate your own relocation rollercoaster emotions from your teenagers’.  Otherwise, they could potentially feed off your ups and downs and mimic your behaviour.

Teenagers live in the complicated world of being almost grown up, but not feeling like they have nearly enough control over their lives. Moving away is evidence of the lack of control they have. Yet, a parent’s expectation that they deal with their emotions and start everything anew is evidence of how grown up they are expected to be. They also tend to believe that distance between friends ultimately means the end of a friendship. This does not have to be true. Teaching teenagers through example that their friendships can still remain positive even though they are moving is a life lesson they may need a few times in their life. Life does not stay static, and change is bound to happen, and of course, people have to adjust. Once you get settled, make sure your teen has plenty of ways to access their old friends: this can mean getting an internet connection set up; buying a cell phone and plan; encouraging them to connect via social media like Face Book or MySpace; using a computer video camera and online messaging; and so on. 

Adolescents put a tremendous amount of time and energy into finding just the right peer groups. Once a move has been made, angst or mild depression is normal, however severe depression is not. A little melancholy over missing friends and even a broken heart over a boyfriend or girlfriend should be expected, as well as respected.  Signs that a teenager is depressed can include what can be interpreted as normal behaviors, including isolation, disassociation in family activities, slipping school work, loss of friends, and suspicious behaviors which may indicate drug use or alcohol use. While any given teenager may experience these behaviors from time to time, the culmination of all such behaviors should be looked at very carefully.  Some teenagers will simply admit to being depressed when asked. While they may not come to you with the information, that shouldn’t prevent you from asking the question. Many teenagers realize that unlike public opinion of even just 20 years ago, there is no shame in depression. When teenagers realize their depression, they often do go about looking for ways to feel better. Some will focus on a hobby while others will start leaving clues in regards to their emotions.

There are a host of reasons why relocation can get under you teen’s skin. Teens crave predictability. During adolescence everything is changing: their voice, their clothes, their responsibilities. Against that backdrop, having a stable, familiar home and social life makes a real difference. As melodramatic as teenage angst may seem, ignoring or minimizing the real difficulties that moving presents to teenagers only makes them worse.

Encourage your teenager to become involved in all facets of school life, whether with extra curricular activities, sports, or the arts. Do not worry about over-scheduling; it is better for new students to stay busy, especially at the beginning.  If your new school has a buddy program for new families, find out how you can enrol – this  might help your teenager to build relationships and get their feet on the ground. By having to adjust to an entirely new town, country, school and social scene, teens have to go through the awkward process of fitting in all over again.  International schools are well aware of these transition issues and are usually able to refer you to local counselors, therapists, and tutors, if needed, so do not be afraid to ask for help.

Having a good relationship with your teen is important at any time and particularly critical at the time of big changes when it can ensure a smoother transition through ups and downs.  Give them some time and space to get adjusted, at the same time observe them carefully. It is perfectly natural for your teen to act mopey and dissatisfied in the weeks and months after moving. However, if you see any signs of poor health, depression, disruption of eating patterns, total withdrawal and poor academic results, consult a professional. There are counsellors and coaches who will help both, parents and teenagers to overcome the challenges of life including relocation.

If things still are not working, there are other options. One of them might be to consider boarding school in the home country, or even a different school in the new country, or perhaps involving extended family members like uncles or aunts. Another option is a family meeting. I believe that discussing things with the children, and making them an active part of the family unit (mother-father-children) where they will be heard and their voices genuinely heard and taken seriously by the mother as well as the father, can be critical. During these meetings, the children should be encouraged to articulate exactly what bothers them, and why, and work together with other family members to brainstorm solutions. 

If life still does not get better, I seriously encourage you to weigh up the pros and cons of this particular international assignment at this particular point in your teens’ lifecycle.  If crunch time comes, would you rather be the family that disintegrates permanently or the family that prioritises family life, even if it means changing work roles and/or companies?

No matter how much turmoil and angst surround the first days or months of an international move, most teenagers come to accept and even appreciate the discovery and adventure that an international move can bring to their lives. Maintaining a positive attitude, despite your frustrations, is critical. As unlikely as it may seem, teenagers usually adopt the same outlook as their parents. By identifying and taking care of your own needs, you will help your children feel more secure. Your own happiness and contentment will reassure them that life in a new country will turn out to be just fine. 

Our New ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from The Netherlands. She has lived as an Expat Woman in India, Canada, Indonesia, Chile and Thailand – where she is currently a ‘trailing spouse’ to a husband of a different nationality to hers. She is a mother of two children, born in Asia, that have dual nationalities. She has a Bachelor of Arts degree in European Communications (Marketing) and she has recently graduated from her Master of Science degree in Counselling Psychology. She works in a private mental health clinic, plus counsels expatriate women

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.